There are a lot of reasons why people don't talk about infertility even though so many suffer through it silently. It's obviously intensely personal but beyond that I don't want to deal with the insensitive comments...no matter how well meaning people are. Exposing something so painful to others is no cakewalk.
It's also a little scary for me to put forth my feelings to my adoption and bloggie sisters. They are such a great, understanding and supportive group but I really don't want it to seem as though I don't love adoption. I do. I guess that ultimately everything surrounding infertility (and parenting too for that matter) is extremely complicated. Sigh.
But back to the first reasons...
Well-intentioned advice from those who have never walked a mile in my shoes (or even similar shoes) is rarely ever helpful. There, I've said it. People might mean well, and I do try not to take things personally, but it doesn't change how incredibly hurtful it can be. Things like "relax", "you just adopted so you'll be pregnant soon", "you already have two...why do you want more", "I have a friend who...", and on and on. I guess it just builds up over time and when you're dealing with SUCH an incredibly emotional issue to begin with... well, it's not good. Sometimes I think the worst are the "cheer up" comments because it SO trivializes what we are going through. And again, this is usually said by people who have never experienced this.
"Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone's coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound." - Proverbs 25:20
I'm not saying these things to try to make anyone feel bad...simply to bring some awareness so maybe there can be more sensitivity. And it works both ways. Through this process I have realized some of the unintentionally hurtful things I have said to others because I don't understand their situation fully...or because I was just plain stupid. Either way, it has caused me to be careful before I open my mouth. As in most things, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to pray with are best.
Working out my feelings on this is really tough, and we are doing it in an odd order. As one of you pointed out most people have wrestled with this before they head into adoption, but we didn't go into adoption because we wanted a child but couldn't conceive. We didn't know if we could conceive or not...we hadn't consciously been trying at that point...we just simply wanted to adopt. A few months after we started the adoption process we found out we were pregnant. We later lost that baby and from that time on we tried to have another one but couldn't. For no apparent reason. And believe me, they've looked. The stress of adoption, the devastation of a lost baby, and the crazy grief cycle of infertility is a lot all at once.
Some people have tried to imply that N should have filled the need for us to have a baby and I didn't understand why I still felt so much pain. Was I not grateful for him...or Matt? Was I just greedy? Depressed? Lacking faith? Selfish? It wasn't until I finally read the following...adoption is a wonderful solution for many couples but it does not erase all the pain of infertility...that I finally allowed myself to feel these things. In a nutshell, adoption allows us to nurture and parent a child, but there are other things, losses, that must be grieved.
So if you are dealing with infertility and need to grieve - please allow yourself to grieve. If you want to parent a child and think adoption might be for you - please look into it! If you need to do both - well, that's okay too.
Wow these posts are hard to write. Drained.
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Lauren, first thank you for the kind words on our blog. It was so great to have met you and to have shared an important and special time in our lives with you. Second, I wanted to give you a virtual hug as I know that it is hard to go through all of these emotions related to infertility. IT is a very personal journey that others just need to accept and support. Even 'helpful' suggestions do not really help. It used to irk me when we'd get the constant stories of 'so and so who adopted and got pregnant after' or 'so and so who got pregnant on the 3rd IVF' or 'so and so who got pregnant late in life.' I felt it was disrespectful of our feelings and our decisions. We drew our 'line in the sand' at how far we'd go to get pregnant and then went through our mourning of the loss of a biological child. I think that is the only way to get some peace in your heart at least otherwise you are constantly wondering "what if..." which is not healthy. Any suggestion by well meaning friends or, particularly family, that we should try more or that we should continue to hold out hope were actually counter productive as it re-started the mourning and chipped away at our inner peace. Just like the loss of any child, time heals all wounds but it never makes the hurt go away fully. Your journey is yours alone. Even though it is difficult, I just hope that sharing with empathetic friends and others who have been through similar battles will help you to make that journey a little smoother.
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