Sunday, February 14, 2010

Where do I begin...

Without a doubt, this is the hardest thing for me to write. On January 18th we found out we were pregnant, and on Sunday, February 7th, at about 8 weeks along I started to miscarry. We decided not to share the news of the pregnancy before we were in the second trimester in case something like this happened. We really didn't want to have to go back to everyone and explain that we were no longer expecting a baby, but now, on the other side of it we have changed our minds. In spite of our pain we really wanted to glorify God and we figured that the best way to do that was to share what we have been going through, what He has loved us in spite of, and what He has done through the process.

When I first found out I was pregnant we were over-the-moon, beside ourselves, elated! Here is my post about it.... (that I was saving until our second trimester)

Our family has some very happy news to share with you...

On Monday, January 18th, we got the most amazing and unexpected gift - I am pregnant!

It came as a complete suprise to all of us and we still can't believe it ourselves. We did not go into adoption because we believed we could never get pregnant 'on our own', we did it because God called us to it and these precious children touched our hearts, but I truly didn't think God would bless us with more 'home grown' kids either. When I had Matt 12 years ago it was extremely difficult to get pregnant. I can't tell you how many pregnancy tests I've taken in my life...and there was always just the one lonely line. I'd stare at that line really hard and imagine that I could see a really faint partner for it there, but it was not to be...until now. In God's perfect (although seemingly crazy to me at the moment) timing, the new little soul He intended for us is on the way!

And yes, we are still adopting! :)

Obviously we have been devastated - the pain and loss has been so intense I can't even begin to describe it. I know we are not alone in this, so many families feel the pain of losing a baby this way, but that doesn't make it easier at the moment - just like the joy of giving birth isn't lessened because it happens every day. At times I have felt like the world was collapsing around me and that there was no way that I'd ever feel better, and to watch your husband and son so hurt as well just becomes unbearable. At times I pulled out of my grief long enough to be angry...with God. I was still praising Him with my lips and I told Him that I would no matter what, but there were moments when I yelled at Him with my heart and wanted to know why He was doing this to us. I was crying out to Him, desperate to feel His presence, but all I felt was alone and empty. I'm not proud.
But through it all God has been with us. He has tenderly picked us up and dried our tears, quieted us with His love, and filled us with His peace. It is this peace that has impacted me the most. His peace is always there for us and it is totally sufficient. Jesus' peace, the peace that passes all understanding, and the same peace that carried Him through all of His trials and suffering, is the same peace that we have access to. Even in the midst of something so painful it is enough. It doesn't make sense for us to be at peace now, but we are...and that is a gift from God.
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27