After I got started writing the post below I realized it was just too much to put in one entry, so consider this 'part 1'. I don't really know if anyone will read this but ultimately it doesn't matter because it's been helpful for me just to write it. I feel that God has used our other struggles and weaknesses to show His glory and strength so I pray that somebody can relate to this just like some people related to our pain when dealing with the loss of a baby. These are such complex issues that reach us at our very core and I could never cover everything that I've thought, prayed, cried about, etc. so please don't be too critical, but feel free to share your thoughts. If you're sick of reading long discourses about infertility, stop here. Can't say I didn't warn you! :)
I am struggling with infertility. In fact, I struggle with it A LOT. It weighs on my mind and in my heart, and factors heavily into my prayers so much of the time. Why have we only gotten pregnant once in two and a half years? Why did we lose that baby? I want a baby, but how far do we go to have one? This leads to the next struggle... infertility treatment. Well actually, I don't struggle so much with wanting it, or whether or not to get treatment, but really with where to draw the line and stop treatment.
I originally started blogging when we started our adoption journey, so let me say again that we love adoption! We pray that we will be able to do it again - and feel that God is leading us in that direction for some time in the future. We are huge advocates of it, have walked the talk, and continue to share our experiences with anyone who will listen. These kids, no matter how we get them, are "ours" in every sense of the word.
We would also love to be pregnant and watch a new life come into the world. I would love to be able to share that with my husband...and my boys. We have found no reason why I am not getting pregnant (or carrying to term) so we will continue to pray but sadly we have heard the insensitive comment and felt the judgment. Regardless though, I just don't feel like we need to justify wanting to have a baby. Nobody who gets pregnant easily is asked to justify why they chose to give birth to a baby when they could have adopted one so I just don't think that families who don't get pregnant as easily should have to either. I am so thankful that God has graciously given us so many beautiful ways to grow our families and we are blessed to experience as many as God allows us to.
Because we know we would love to welcome some more little ones into our family, we have been trying. After we lost our baby a year and a half ago we started seeing a doctor. Since that time Clint and I have had many conversations about what we should do, how far we should go, is it ethical, is it moral, are we being good stewards of our resources, what does God really want us to do...and on and on. We've also spent hours and hours, weeks and months praying and crying out to God for guidance.
He made their hearts, so He understands everything they do. - Psalm 33:15
Here's part of the problem though. I am 39...a blink away from the big 4-0. While I still feel like I'm in my 20's, and my kids don't think I'm quite as old and dorky as some other people's parents, and I still have many years left before I'll have one foot in the grave (God willing), in biological terms this is pretty much the end of my reproductive life. I'm feeling the pressure...and it only intensifies the whole infertility experience.
I figure that there are lots and lots of families (more than you would ever know) dealing with this, so I might as well blog about it. Over the next little bit I'll post on some of the issues that we wrestle with...and maybe some of what we are doing about it.