After I got started writing the post below I realized it was just too much to put in one entry, so consider this 'part 1'. I don't really know if anyone will read this but ultimately it doesn't matter because it's been helpful for me just to write it. I feel that God has used our other struggles and weaknesses to show His glory and strength so I pray that somebody can relate to this just like some people related to our pain when dealing with the loss of a baby. These are such complex issues that reach us at our very core and I could never cover everything that I've thought, prayed, cried about, etc. so please don't be too critical, but feel free to share your thoughts. If you're sick of reading long discourses about infertility, stop here. Can't say I didn't warn you! :)
I am struggling with infertility. In fact, I struggle with it A LOT. It weighs on my mind and in my heart, and factors heavily into my prayers so much of the time. Why have we only gotten pregnant once in two and a half years? Why did we lose that baby? I want a baby, but how far do we go to have one? This leads to the next struggle... infertility treatment. Well actually, I don't struggle so much with wanting it, or whether or not to get treatment, but really with where to draw the line and stop treatment.
I originally started blogging when we started our adoption journey, so let me say again that we love adoption! We pray that we will be able to do it again - and feel that God is leading us in that direction for some time in the future. We are huge advocates of it, have walked the talk, and continue to share our experiences with anyone who will listen. These kids, no matter how we get them, are "ours" in every sense of the word.
We would also love to be pregnant and watch a new life come into the world. I would love to be able to share that with my husband...and my boys. We have found no reason why I am not getting pregnant (or carrying to term) so we will continue to pray but sadly we have heard the insensitive comment and felt the judgment. Regardless though, I just don't feel like we need to justify wanting to have a baby. Nobody who gets pregnant easily is asked to justify why they chose to give birth to a baby when they could have adopted one so I just don't think that families who don't get pregnant as easily should have to either. I am so thankful that God has graciously given us so many beautiful ways to grow our families and we are blessed to experience as many as God allows us to.
Because we know we would love to welcome some more little ones into our family, we have been trying. After we lost our baby a year and a half ago we started seeing a doctor. Since that time Clint and I have had many conversations about what we should do, how far we should go, is it ethical, is it moral, are we being good stewards of our resources, what does God really want us to do...and on and on. We've also spent hours and hours, weeks and months praying and crying out to God for guidance.
He made their hearts, so He understands everything they do. - Psalm 33:15
Here's part of the problem though. I am 39...a blink away from the big 4-0. While I still feel like I'm in my 20's, and my kids don't think I'm quite as old and dorky as some other people's parents, and I still have many years left before I'll have one foot in the grave (God willing), in biological terms this is pretty much the end of my reproductive life. I'm feeling the pressure...and it only intensifies the whole infertility experience.
I figure that there are lots and lots of families (more than you would ever know) dealing with this, so I might as well blog about it. Over the next little bit I'll post on some of the issues that we wrestle with...and maybe some of what we are doing about it.
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First off, good for you for writing about this, as it is way too often brushed under the rug. I too was labeled with unexplained fertility. We tried for several years, did a year worth of fertility treatments. When it came time to think about IVF I was a mess. I knew that I was not emotionaly strong enough to put my eggs (pardon the punn) into that basket. We took a summer off to just think, and by the end we came to the conclusion we would adopt. Looking back it all worked out exactly as it should. Our first son we born on the day we signed the papers for the agency, our second son came to us through a path that we could not have even dreamed of. What I have learned though is that we were blessed with infertility. Don't get me wrong, I sill have my moments when I dream or wonder, but I also know without a doubt that we were needed to be parents to our sons. I am thankful now for all the wrong roads, both with fertility treatmens and botched adoptions. There are four black eyes that stare at my soul when I tell my boys good night that remind me to trust in God's plan. You will find peace. Remeber to put out to the world what you want, it will find you, just maybe not how you imagined it.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry for your loss and the heartbreak. Thanks for writing on this topic that, as Karon said, doesn't really get addressed in many adoption blogs since by the time many families struggling with infertility decide to adopt, they've already drawn their line in the sand. That said, we were married just after I turned 40 so knew that it would be difficult to get pregnant. And we also knew that at least one of our children would be adopted so we started pursuing Miras's adoption almost right away. We did try some fertility treatments but decided against IVF since the odds were somewhat stacked against us in the first place. That was where we drew the line when we started down the fertility treatment pathway. When we approached that line, we discussed the decision again and confirmed it. Which is close to the time we started our second adoption process. I will admit that there are times - particularly when I welcome a baby and even a set of triplets born to co-workers who had IVF to conceive (who were in their late 20s or early 30s) - that I feel a twinge of regret that we didn't at least TRY a cycle of IVF. But 99% of the time I am secure in our decision. So, I guess, based on this experience, my advice is to draw your own line in the sand together. And draw it where you won't have any regrets later on. Then, as Karon stated, you have to put your faith in a higher power and know that it is all part of the grand plan for your life - even the struggles and heartache.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are going through this. I too know what it feels like to not be able to get pregnant (or carry to term) and no one can figure out why. It's so frustrating and I kept thinking that if someone could only tell me WHY, then it would be easier.
ReplyDeleteBefore we started with IVF, we made the decision to do thee cycles and I am so glad that we did. It made the process easier to bear knowing that there would be an end to the insanity at some point. And three cycles took us about 6 months so that was about my limit for dealing with all of the emotion that goes along with it. Unfortunately, none of them worked and we still don't know why. Now, my frustration is with those people who assume that we still want to try. For me, it was just too hard. Every month I was devastated when once again I was not pregnant. It was a reminder of my failing at the one thing we were put on eath to do. So we stopped trying. And I am so glad that we did. Other people may not understand it (even my gynecologist thinks I am crazy) but we did what was right for us and that's all that matters.
We just adopted our second little boy and although it does not in any way replace having a child that I carried and gave birth to, I couldn't be happier. I still am sad about the fact that I was not able to carry my own but every day it gets a little bit easier. And at almost 40 I am guessing that most of my friends are done with the family building and hopefully I won't have to hear their happy news/birth stories/etc and have a constant reminder that we were unable to procreate.
Well, good luck with everything. Hang in there, and know you are not alone.
Dear Lauren,
ReplyDeleteI found your post a while ago and have been blessed by your adoption story. I'm 40 and haven't been married, but I've prayed for a soulmate and biological children.
I just wanted to encourage you not to give up hoping for a biological child. My mom's friend died a few years ago, and her daughter spoke at her funeral. She shared how her mom's mom had an unexpected child at 49. Also, Kenneth and Gloria Copeland's daughter recently had a baby--and she (Kellie) was just a few weeks short of her 47th birthday. So please don't give up hope! With God all things are possible!
I just started following your blog. Our lives are different in many ways, but in infertility and adoption struggles/options, it's similar. God bless you. Keep trusting in God. He knows the way you should go. I know it's so hard.
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