Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Why we don't talk about being pregnant...maybe.

First let me say thank you so much for the caring comments on my first infertility post. It's nice to know I am not the only one when seemingly surrounded by people who get pregnant quickly and easily. I am sorry that others have gone through the same crazy ride but grateful that so many have found resolution one way or another. For you all I will be praying that your family will be exactly as it is meant to be, and that you will have peace about it one way or another.
Now on to "part 2"...            

There are a lot of reasons why people don't talk about infertility even though so many suffer through it silently. It's obviously intensely personal but beyond that I don't want to deal with the insensitive matter how well meaning people are. Exposing something so painful to others is no cakewalk.

It's also a little scary for me to put forth my feelings to my adoption and bloggie sisters. They are such a great, understanding and supportive group but I really don't want it to seem as though I don't love adoption. I do. I guess that ultimately everything surrounding infertility (and parenting too for that matter) is extremely complicated. Sigh.

But back to the first reasons...

Well-intentioned advice from those who have never walked a mile in my shoes (or even similar shoes) is rarely ever helpful. There, I've said it. People might mean well, and I do try not to take things personally, but it doesn't change how incredibly hurtful it can be. Things like "relax", "you just adopted so you'll be pregnant soon", "you already have two...why do you want more", "I have a friend who...", and on and on. I guess it just builds up over time and when you're dealing with SUCH an incredibly emotional issue to begin with... well, it's not good. Sometimes I think the worst are the "cheer up" comments because it SO trivializes what we are going through. And again, this is usually said by people who have never experienced this.

"Singing cheerful songs to a person with a heavy heart is like taking someone's coat in cold weather or pouring vinegar in a wound." - Proverbs 25:20

I'm not saying these things to try to make anyone feel bad...simply to bring some awareness so maybe there can be more sensitivity. And it works both ways. Through this process I have realized some of the unintentionally hurtful things I have said to others because I don't understand their situation fully...or because I was just plain stupid. Either way, it has caused me to be careful before I open my mouth. As in most things, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and a friend to pray with are best.

Working out my feelings on this is really tough, and we are doing it in an odd order. As one of you pointed out most people have wrestled with this before they head into adoption, but we didn't go into adoption because we wanted a child but couldn't conceive. We didn't know if we could conceive or not...we hadn't consciously been trying at that point...we just simply wanted to adopt. A few months after we started the adoption process we found out we were pregnant. We later lost that baby and from that time on we tried to have another one but couldn't. For no apparent reason. And believe me, they've looked. The stress of adoption, the devastation of a lost baby, and the crazy grief cycle of infertility is a lot all at once.

Some people have tried to imply that N should have filled the need for us to have a baby and I didn't understand why I still felt so much pain. Was I not grateful for him...or Matt? Was I just greedy? Depressed? Lacking faith? Selfish? It wasn't until I finally read the following...adoption is a wonderful solution for many couples but it does not erase all the pain of infertility...that I finally allowed myself to feel these things. In a nutshell, adoption allows us to nurture and parent a child, but there are other things, losses, that must be grieved.

So if you are dealing with infertility and need to grieve - please allow yourself to grieve. If you want to parent a child and think adoption might be for you - please look into it! If you need to do both - well, that's okay too.

Wow these posts are hard to write. Drained.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Unemployment is NOT a vacation- Part 1

Week away from home. Gorgeous mountain lake. Great vacation!

 A relaxing week at Douthat State Park in the beautiful Blue Ridge mountains of much better than the pool.

 Matt is a natural...of course. These genes serve him well!

I still can't believe how grown up he is.

While I have always had a strong 'dislike' for the cheap, nasty, plastic poles with cartoon characters on them (like fishing isn't cool enough??), I ended up getting one for N since it was the only option we had. He didn't get a hook...just the little rubber fish tied on to the end. 

One morning Matt and I went out in a canoe for some early morning fishing. Maybe not super early, but still...we were on vacation.

Some of my favorite memories of my grandfather were going out with him, well before the sun was up, to try our luck in the river they lived on. My grandmother would always send me out with a  little piece of toast, cut and buttered (sometimes with apple butter), and folded up neatly in a little napkin package. I loved those times on the river, in silence, casting and reeling. Seeing how close I could come to getting my lure as far or precisely placed as he could. 

The lake and beach were perfect...for N, M and the adults too. 

Nathan is working on his "swimming" and loved to splash around in the calm water. The judge in Kazakhstan who grilled us about why we would ever go to the ocean would be so proud.

M got to pursue more exciting things. (No, not the girls, the slide and diving board.)

Have much more. Will post later!